How to watch Football

Don"t Look away

Waterslide

Amish Elevator

   

    A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened, and the lady strolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

    They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde stepped out.  The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

    "Go get your Mother"

Why Do I Like Retirement !!!

And They Ask:



Question:  How many days in a week?
Answer:  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
 
 
Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.


 
Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.
 
 
Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.


 
Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

 
Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time. 


 
Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!
 
 
Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


 
Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:    Normal   .
 
 
Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.
 
 
Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


 
Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


 
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION:  What do you do all week?
Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?






Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'






The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.






I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.






I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.






An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'






My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.






Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.






It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

Why did the chicken cross the road?

      
BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change!  The chicken wanted change!
      
JOHN MC CAIN:  My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
      
HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
      
GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.  The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
      
DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
      
BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.
      
AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.


SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

    
JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
      
AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
      
DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
      
OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
      
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
      
NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
      
PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
      
MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
      
DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
      
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.
      
JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
      
GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
      
BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
             
JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
      
BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011.  This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
      
ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
      
COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?



ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Gavel

Cold Winter inUtah

I  just got off the phone with a friend in  Utah.

She said  that since early this  morning the  snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The  temperature is dropping below zero and the freezing wind is  increasing.  Her husband has done nothing but  look through the kitchen window. She says that if it gets much  worse, she may have to letlhim  in.

3 Ways to Fail Drunk Test

Ten Best Quotes from Golf Caddy

#10 Golfer: "Think  I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you  can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven  and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so.  That would be too much of a Coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch.  It's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course.  We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment: Golfer:  "That can't be my ball.  It's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

And the old favorite, is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole.  He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies.  "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."  The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says "No, the other end".

Iranian Air Space

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense
Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.

Iranian Air Defences Radar:  'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
 
Aircraft:  'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
 
Air Defence Radar:  'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
 
Aircraft:  'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'
 
Air Defense Radar:  (total silence)

Team Work

Tim Hawkins-Things you do NOT say to your wife

Tim Hawkins - Imagine

Everyone should have a Trunk Money

Tim Hawkins- Fireants

Tim Hawkins- Hey There Delila

Tim Hawkins- Corporate Worship song

Tim Hawkins- Tech support

Tim Hawkins- chick-fil-a

4 Chord song

Every Fisherman's dream

Why Men should Not take Messages

4 cute commercials

Where did "Piss Poor" come > from?

>
> Interesting History
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
> used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken
> & Sold to the tannery....if you had to do this to survive
> you were "Piss Poor."
>
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who
> couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a
> pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low
>
>
> The next time you are washing your hands and
> complain because the water temperature isn't just how
> you like it, think about how things used to be. Here
> are some facts about the 1500s:
>
> Most people got married in June because they took
> their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty
> good by June.. However, since they were starting to
> smell . ...Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide
> the body odor.   Hence the custom today of carrying
> a bouquet when getting  Married.
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The
> man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean
> water, then all the other sons and men, then the
> women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
> By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
> someone in it.. Hence the saying,
> "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
> no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
> to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
> (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
> slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall
> off the roof...Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
> dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into
> the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom
> where bugs and other droppings could mess up your
> nice clean bed. Hence,a bed with big posts and a
> sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
> That's how canopy beds came into existence.
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
> other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The
> wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
> the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw)
> on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter
> wore on, they added more thresh until,when you
> opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
> A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
> Hence: a thresh hold.
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with
> a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day
> they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
> mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
> would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
> pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next
> day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been
> there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge
> hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine
> days old.
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them
> feel quite special. When visitors came over, they
> would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
> sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the
> bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
> and would all sit around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food
> with high acid content caused some of the lead to
> leach onto the food,causing lead poisoning death.
> This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
> next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered
> poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got
> the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
> and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The 
> combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out
> for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
> would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
> They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
> days and the family would gather around and eat and
> drink and wait and see if they would wake  up. Hence
> the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started
> running out of places to bury people. So they would
> dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
> bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening
> these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
> scratch marks on the inside and they realized they
> had been burying people alive... So they would
> tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
> the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
> bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all
> night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,
> someone could be saved by the bell or was considered
> a dead ringer.
>
> And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History
> was boring!!!

You are Never to Old

Bob Hope

    

    ON TURNING 70
        'You still chase women, but only
        downhill'.

        ON TURNING 80
        'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

        ON TURNING 90
        'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

        ON TURNING 100
        'I don't feel old.  In fact, I don't feel
        anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.'

        ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
        'I ruined my hands in the ring.  The referee kept stepping on them.'

        ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
        'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

        ON GOLF
        'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

        ON PRESIDENTS
        'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

        ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
        'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,?Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.?


        ON
        RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD
        MEDAL
        'I
        feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

        ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
        'Four of us slept in the one bed.  When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

        ON
        HIS SIX BROTHERS
        'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

        ON
        HIS EARLY FAILURES
        'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
        stuff the audience threw at me.'

        ON GOING TO HEAVEN
        'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

        
     

        Give me a sense of humor.

        Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and to pass it on to others
       

CNN News Photographer

 >             His request approved, the CNN News photographer
>             quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
>             to charter a flight.
>             
>             He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting
>             for him at the airport.
>
>             Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming
>             up outside a hanger.
>             
>             He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door
>             shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
>
>             The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind
>             and took off.
>             
>             Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
>             pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low
>             passes so I can take pictures of the fires
>             on the hillsides.'
>
>             'Why?' asked the pilot.
>
>             'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' ,
>             he responded, 'and I need to get
>             some close up shots.'
>
>             The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.
>             Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
>             is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
>
>              
>             "Life is short.
>             Drink the good wine first"
>
>
>


                           

Hello Honey

    **Riiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

                                **'Hello?'**



                          **'Hi honey.**
                          **This is Daddy.**
                          **Is Mommy near the phone?'**



                          **'No, Daddy.**
                          **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**



                          **After a brief pause,**




                          **Daddy says,**
                          **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**



                         **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
                          **Right now.'**




                          Brief Pause.




                          **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
                          **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
                          **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
                          **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**



                          **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**



                          **A few minutes later**
                          **The little girl comes back to the phone.**


                          **'I did it, Daddy.'**



                          **'And what happened, honey?' **

                          'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**



                          **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
                          **And now she isn't moving at all!'**




                          **'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**



                          **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**




                          **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
                          **And into the swimming pool.**
                          **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
                          **Last week to clean it.**




                          **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**




                          *****Long Pause*****





                          *****Longer Pause*****





                         *****Even Longer Pause*****





                          **Then Daddy says,**




                          **'Swimming pool?  ...........**



                          **Is this 486-5731?'*



                          **No, I think you have the wrong number.........



  

National Weather Service

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect firewood to be prepared.


But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does
it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's
going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service
again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it
is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.


The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of
firewood.