Jewish Christmas

 The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns;
then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings.  We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.  When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: What A Friend We Have in Jesus.

Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Lost Dog

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbor lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him. She does a lot of  traveling and always takes her dog with her. Yesterday, she was  sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no  response, and the back door was open.

She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will  notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Getting Married

A five-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.

The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
'That's a very serious step son,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes, dad we have' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next week in her room. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

'How about transportation. you'll have to get to school?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.

'What will you do for money and food?' the father asked.

The little one had thought it out and replied, 'Well you give me a quarter a week and I get another quarter when I'm six and she gets 50 cents a week now and we can eat at both of our houses so I think we'll be alright'

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies?

When you're married you're liable to have babies you know.'

'We thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have any babies! Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'

Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' 
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

 

    The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when You first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

 

    The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been With your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex Anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

    The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with Your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have Sex only in your bedroom.

 

    The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with Your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'

    The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in The morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

 

    The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your Wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

 

    And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. 

 

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 

 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

 

Dear Mrs. Harris, 

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in  our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your  husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

 

2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official  voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 

 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

 

7.  August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began  crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

 

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 

 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest. 

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

 

14. October  22 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a  fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! '

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

 

And last, but not least: 

 

16.  October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' 

 

 

 

 

How would you like to walk out your front door and see this

Amazing Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home;maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)