In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died.
> His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the
town
> decided that she ought to get married again.
> But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town
> butcher.
> The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a
> scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
> However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After
the
> marriage, Friday came.
> She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of
impurities).
> Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher
leaned over
> to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and
before
> lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."
> So they did.
> She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father,
Shmuel, told
> me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they
did.
> They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said
to
> her, "My
> grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good
to
> have sex." So they did.
> After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers
in her
> ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have
sex." So
> they did.
> On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked,
"So how
> is the new husband?"
> She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful
> family...
>
Monday, May 30, 2011
Bagpiper at a Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my
car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my
car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
First Woman President
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, a University of Clemson graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Farmer
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Farmer is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.'
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Clemson.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Farmer is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.'
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Clemson.
Women
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry!
I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit.
Never mind.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry!
I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit.
Never mind.
Favorite Movie
You gotta try this one. I could not believe it to be so true.......
Don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math!
Try this test and find out which movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely
predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most. it really works!
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of
18 movies below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Now, aint that something..?
Don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math!
Try this test and find out which movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely
predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most. it really works!
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of
18 movies below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Now, aint that something..?
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Understanding women
I finally got the book that will help you understand women better.
Let me know if you need a copy!
The pope
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning....
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph... (Remember, the Pope is German...)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning....
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph... (Remember, the Pope is German...)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
One Wish
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
Aboard Air Force Aleph (Reuters)
Speaking to reporters accompanying Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on his long flight from the United States tonight, Netanyahu spoke of the injustice and hardship Mexicans have endured since American forces annexed Texas in 1845.
"Tens of thousands of ordinary Mexicans were driven out of their homes - the only homes they had known for centuries – and forced to live in poverty and squalor south of the border imposed by American aggression,” Netanyahu said.“The Israeli and Mexican people agree on this: This festering wound will never heal until America takes bold steps to return to the internationally accepted lines of 1845. Clearly the settlement activity that’s taken place in occupied Mexico since then is illegal. When I meet the President tomorrow I will tell him to halt all building activity in Texas immediately. Two lands for two peoples, yes, but not on land taken by force from Mexico,” the Prime Minister said.
Asked if his hard-line stance could hurt the U.S.-Israel relationship, Netanyahu reiterated Israel’s commitment to America’s security and the unshakeable friendship shared by the two countries, then added, “But who was it who said, part of friendship is being able to tell your friend the truth."
Speaking to reporters accompanying Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on his long flight from the United States tonight, Netanyahu spoke of the injustice and hardship Mexicans have endured since American forces annexed Texas in 1845.
"Tens of thousands of ordinary Mexicans were driven out of their homes - the only homes they had known for centuries – and forced to live in poverty and squalor south of the border imposed by American aggression,” Netanyahu said.“The Israeli and Mexican people agree on this: This festering wound will never heal until America takes bold steps to return to the internationally accepted lines of 1845. Clearly the settlement activity that’s taken place in occupied Mexico since then is illegal. When I meet the President tomorrow I will tell him to halt all building activity in Texas immediately. Two lands for two peoples, yes, but not on land taken by force from Mexico,” the Prime Minister said.
Asked if his hard-line stance could hurt the U.S.-Israel relationship, Netanyahu reiterated Israel’s commitment to America’s security and the unshakeable friendship shared by the two countries, then added, “But who was it who said, part of friendship is being able to tell your friend the truth."
Advice to an Old Guy...
Advice to an Old Guy...
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym
when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was
nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet
thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was
nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet
thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
through menopause?
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
bible... Is that true? Where is it?
bible... Is that true? Where is it?
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"
sense of humor, RIGHT?
Last Supper
For the very first time The Vatican has released the actual painting of the Last Supper by Michelangelo
How to make a garden grow?
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
Monday, May 16, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The TRUTH about Bin Laden's burial at sea.
>
>
>
> Bin Laden Given Religious Funeral Prior to Sea Burial.
>
> Published May 02, 2011
>
> Osama bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to his burial at sea, senior
> military officials told Fox News.
>
> Religious rites were conducted on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson aircraft
> carrier at about 1:10 a.m. Monday in the Persian Gulf .
>
> In accordance with Islamic practice, bin Laden's body was washed and wrapped in a
> white sheet before buried at sea at 2 a.m. local time, senior U.S. military
> and intelligence officials said.
>
> Then, "In accordance with common US Navy SEAL practice, the Team pissed on him, stuck a pulled pork sandwich in his mouth and a kosher hot dog up his ass, and pushed the worthless bastard overboard with the other garbage," a senior SEAL officer said.
>
>
> Bin Laden Given Religious Funeral Prior to Sea Burial.
>
> Published May 02, 2011
>
> Osama bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to his burial at sea, senior
> military officials told Fox News.
>
> Religious rites were conducted on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson aircraft
> carrier at about 1:10 a.m. Monday in the Persian Gulf .
>
> In accordance with Islamic practice, bin Laden's body was washed and wrapped in a
> white sheet before buried at sea at 2 a.m. local time, senior U.S. military
> and intelligence officials said.
>
> Then, "In accordance with common US Navy SEAL practice, the Team pissed on him, stuck a pulled pork sandwich in his mouth and a kosher hot dog up his ass, and pushed the worthless bastard overboard with the other garbage," a senior SEAL officer said.
Parking Ticket
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Parking Ticket
>>>Never underestimate a senior. Nothing more to say....
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Working people frequently ask retired people what
>>>they do to make their days interesting.
>>>Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
>>>went into town and visited a shop.
>>>
>>>When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
>>>
>>>We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
>>>how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
>>>He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
>>>I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started
>>>writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
>>>
>>>So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the
>>>second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
>>>Then he started writing more tickets.
>>>This went on for about 20 minutes.
>>>The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
>>>
>>>Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
>>>and went home.
>>>
>>>We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
>>>
>>>It's important at our age.
>>>
>>>Never underestimate a senior. Nothing more to say....
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Working people frequently ask retired people what
>>>they do to make their days interesting.
>>>Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
>>>went into town and visited a shop.
>>>
>>>When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
>>>
>>>We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
>>>how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
>>>He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
>>>I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started
>>>writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
>>>
>>>So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the
>>>second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
>>>Then he started writing more tickets.
>>>This went on for about 20 minutes.
>>>The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
>>>
>>>Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
>>>and went home.
>>>
>>>We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
>>>
>>>It's important at our age.
>>>
COMTEMPLATIONS .....
> 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 each on those little
> bottles of Evian water?
> Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
> section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 3 OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
> the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the
> Tennessee Titans? (YUP)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
> enjoys it?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 5. There are three religious truths:
> a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
> b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
> faith.
> c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 6 If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
> Holland called Holes?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 7 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
> 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
> bread to begin with?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
> drives a race car is not called a racist?
> * ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
> follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
> deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 14 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
> more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their
> final exam
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
> and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
> What are we supposed to do, write to them?
> Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
> mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
> the others here for?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
> zigzag?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words
> 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells..."THEIRS"!
>
>
>
>
>
>
> OH , AND REMEMBER ...........................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "PRESS #1 IF YOU SPEAK ENGLISH."
> IF NOT.......
> "PRESS #2 TO DISCONNECT UNTIL YOU CAN."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> HAVE A NICE DAY
> bottles of Evian water?
> Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
> section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 3 OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
> the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the
> Tennessee Titans? (YUP)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
> enjoys it?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 5. There are three religious truths:
> a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
> b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
> faith.
> c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 6 If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
> Holland called Holes?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 7 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
> 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
> bread to begin with?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
> drives a race car is not called a racist?
> * ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
> follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
> deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 14 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
> more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their
> final exam
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
> and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
> What are we supposed to do, write to them?
> Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
> mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
> the others here for?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
> zigzag?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words
> 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells..."THEIRS"!
>
>
>
>
>
>
> OH , AND REMEMBER ...........................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "PRESS #1 IF YOU SPEAK ENGLISH."
> IF NOT.......
> "PRESS #2 TO DISCONNECT UNTIL YOU CAN."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> HAVE A NICE DAY
Who's your Daddy
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or
putting it another way... Who's your baby's Daddy? These are genuine
excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.
2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I
was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I
can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with
a man I met that night.. I do remember that the sex was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please
send me his phone number? Thanks...
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives
a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and
see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country .. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was
also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom ..
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in
the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going
to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained
unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made
you fart.
WHEN YOUR WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR
RECIPIENTS & CAN GO TO MORE PARTIES
Saturday, May 7, 2011
How to decide who to marryn- Kids have a great perpective
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be alot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be alot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
My Favorite Animal
> > Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I
> > said, "Fried Chicken."
> >
> > She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been
> > right, because everyone else in the class
> > laughed.
> > My parents told me to always be truthful and
> > honest, and I am. Fried Chicken is my favorite animal. I told my
> > dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member
> > of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
> >
> > I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and
> > beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I
> > told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not
> > to do it again.
> >
> > The next day in class my teacher asked me
> > what my favorite live animal was.
> >
> > I told her it was chicken. She asked me why,
> > just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it
> > was because you could make them into fried chicken.
> >
> > She sent me back to the principal's office
> > again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't
> > understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
> > doesn't like it when I am.
> >
> > Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
> > famous person we admire most.
> >
> > I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
> >
> >
> > Guess where the heck I am?
> >
> > said, "Fried Chicken."
> >
> > She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been
> > right, because everyone else in the class
> > laughed.
> > My parents told me to always be truthful and
> > honest, and I am. Fried Chicken is my favorite animal. I told my
> > dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member
> > of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
> >
> > I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and
> > beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I
> > told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not
> > to do it again.
> >
> > The next day in class my teacher asked me
> > what my favorite live animal was.
> >
> > I told her it was chicken. She asked me why,
> > just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it
> > was because you could make them into fried chicken.
> >
> > She sent me back to the principal's office
> > again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't
> > understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
> > doesn't like it when I am.
> >
> > Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
> > famous person we admire most.
> >
> > I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
> >
> >
> > Guess where the heck I am?
> >
Funny Pictures and Signs
Somewhere near Rochester , New York ,
Ed set out to bag his buck at 5:30 a.m.
By 11:30 a.m., he was exhausted and hungry--
and still no buck.
At 12 noon, the mighty hunter Ed guards
the remains of his lunch while
a passerby snaps a quiet photo while
trying not to startle the
deer with a belly laugh.
Shot from the USS
HONOLULU
(Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine)
at the Arctic Circle , 280 miles from the
North Pole--
Does anything frighten a polar bear?
Ed set out to bag his buck at 5:30 a.m.
By 11:30 a.m., he was exhausted and hungry--
and still no buck.
At 12 noon, the mighty hunter Ed guards
the remains of his lunch while
a passerby snaps a quiet photo while
trying not to startle the
deer with a belly laugh.
Shot from the USS
HONOLULU
(Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine)
at the Arctic Circle , 280 miles from the
North Pole--
Does anything frighten a polar bear?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The Diet
I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my body while in the shower. It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the extra suds on my body instead of soap. Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo bottle "for extra volume and fullness". No wonder I can't lose weight! Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower. It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted deposits that other soaps leave behind!
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