Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tough Decisions being made by State and Local Agencies
Kate Smith introduces God Bless America
Here Is a Real Star. In case you don’t know it, this is the person that is referred to as “The Fat Lady” in the trite verbalization of “It’s not over till the fat lady sings”.
Kate Smith was born and grew up in Columbia, Missouri . In early 1940, Kate Smith, a fiercely patriotic American, and the biggest star on radio, was deeply worried about her country.
She asked Irving Berlin if he could give her a song that would re-ignite the spirit of American patriotism and faith. He said he had a song that he had written in 1917, but never used it.
Kate Smith was born and grew up in Columbia, Missouri . In early 1940, Kate Smith, a fiercely patriotic American, and the biggest star on radio, was deeply worried about her country.
She asked Irving Berlin if he could give her a song that would re-ignite the spirit of American patriotism and faith. He said he had a song that he had written in 1917, but never used it.
The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
> Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig,
the stick pig and the brick pig.
>
> One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and
said,
> 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did
!!!
>
> So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and
said, 'Please let me in,
> the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the
straw pig in.
>
> Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff
and
> blow your house down.' And he did !!!
>
> So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the
brick pig's house and said,
> 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses
down!'
>
> So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The
wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff
> and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick
pig were so scared!
> But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
>
>
> A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
>
> Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.
These pigs come over to the wolf,
> grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then
one of them pulled out a gun, stuck
>
it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied
cement blocks around his feet threw his
> sorry ass into the creek and got back into their Caddy and drove
off.
>
> The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! 'Who the hell were
those guys?' they asked.
>
>
> 'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.
the stick pig and the brick pig.
>
> One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and
said,
> 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did
!!!
>
> So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and
said, 'Please let me in,
> the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the
straw pig in.
>
> Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff
and
> blow your house down.' And he did !!!
>
> So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the
brick pig's house and said,
> 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses
down!'
>
> So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The
wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff
> and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick
pig were so scared!
> But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
>
>
> A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
>
> Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.
These pigs come over to the wolf,
> grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then
one of them pulled out a gun, stuck
>
it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied
cement blocks around his feet threw his
> sorry ass into the creek and got back into their Caddy and drove
off.
>
> The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! 'Who the hell were
those guys?' they asked.
>
>
> 'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.
Bert and Mar
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into
the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."
Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back please.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back please.
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when
' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous,
not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host
asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous,
not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host
asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Applying for a Government Job
A guy goes to the post office to apply for a
>> job.
>>
>> The
>> interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to
>> anything?"
>>
>> He
>> replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink
>> coffee."
>>
>> "Ok,
>> Have you ever been in the military
>> service?"
>>
>> "Yes,"
>> he says, "I was in Iraq for one
>> tour.
>>
>> The
>> interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points
>> toward employment."
>>
>> Then
>> he asks, "Are you disabled in any
>> way?"
>>
>> The
>> guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both
>> my testicles."
>>
>> The
>> interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've
>> got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal
>> hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at
>> 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every
>> day."
>>
>> The
>> guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
>> 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until
>> 10:00am?"
>>
>> "This
>> is a government job", the interviewer says. "For
>> the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
>> and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
>> that."
>> job.
>>
>> The
>> interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to
>> anything?"
>>
>> He
>> replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink
>> coffee."
>>
>> "Ok,
>> Have you ever been in the military
>> service?"
>>
>> "Yes,"
>> he says, "I was in Iraq for one
>> tour.
>>
>> The
>> interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points
>> toward employment."
>>
>> Then
>> he asks, "Are you disabled in any
>> way?"
>>
>> The
>> guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both
>> my testicles."
>>
>> The
>> interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've
>> got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal
>> hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at
>> 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every
>> day."
>>
>> The
>> guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
>> 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until
>> 10:00am?"
>>
>> "This
>> is a government job", the interviewer says. "For
>> the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
>> and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
>> that."
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS > BITCH
> Jennifer's
> wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
>
>
>
> her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
>
> Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the
> best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
>
>
> A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
> new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
>
>
> Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
> refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this
> dress,
>
> and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
>
> Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
> sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
>
> A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
>
> gorgeous dress for her mother.
>
> When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
> you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
> occasion where you could wear it."
>
> Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....
>
>
> I'm
> wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
>
>
>
> wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
>
>
>
> her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
>
> Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the
> best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
>
>
> A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
> new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
>
>
> Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
> refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this
> dress,
>
> and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
>
> Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
> sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
>
> A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
>
> gorgeous dress for her mother.
>
> When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
> you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
> occasion where you could wear it."
>
> Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....
>
>
> I'm
> wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
>
>
>
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Marriage Humor
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: ‘Nothing.’
Wife: ‘Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
JEWISH HUMOR
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray,
twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the
holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,
and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!"
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
THE TRICK IS TO FIND THE MAN IN THE COFFEE BEANS:
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, 'Why didn't see him immediately?'
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, 'Why didn't see him immediately?'
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!
Paraprosdokian
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes
the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it..so I
said "Implants?"
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
Paula J. McClure
English IV
Monday, February 7, 2011
OXY-MORONS?
THIS SHOULD PUT A LAUGH OR SMILE IN YOUR DAY
> >
> > O x y m o r o n s
> >
> >
> > 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
> >
> > 2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
> >
> > 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
> >
> > 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
> >
> > 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
> >
> > 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
> >
> > 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
> >
> > 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
> >
> > 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
> >
> > 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
> >
> > 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
> >
> > 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
> >
> > 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
> >
> > 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
> >
> > 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
> >
> > 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
> >
> > 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
> >
> > 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
> >
> > 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
> >
> > 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
> >
> > 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
> >
> > 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
> >
> > 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
> >
> > 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
> >
> > 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
> >
> > 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
> >
> > 27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
> >
> > 28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
> >
> >
> > I dunno, why do we?
> >
> > O x y m o r o n s
> >
> >
> > 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
> >
> > 2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
> >
> > 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
> >
> > 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
> >
> > 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
> >
> > 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
> >
> > 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
> >
> > 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
> >
> > 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
> >
> > 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
> >
> > 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
> >
> > 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
> >
> > 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
> >
> > 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
> >
> > 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
> >
> > 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
> >
> > 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
> >
> > 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
> >
> > 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
> >
> > 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
> >
> > 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
> >
> > 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
> >
> > 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
> >
> > 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
> >
> > 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
> >
> > 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
> >
> > 27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
> >
> > 28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
> >
> >
> > I dunno, why do we?
The Cowboy's A Real Pain!
A Cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
> The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
> So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
> The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
> So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
> The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."
> The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
> "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth"
>
> The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
> So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
> The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
> So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
> The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."
> The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
> "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth"
>
> The Trooper's Nightstick!
> Two men are driving through Georgia when they get pulled over by a State Trooper.
> The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
> "What the hell was that for," the driver asks.
> "You're in Georgia, Boy," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
> "I'm sorry, Officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."
> The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.
> The trooper THEN walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
> The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacks HIM on the head with the nightstick.
> "What'd you do that for," the passenger asks.
> "Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.
> "Making WHAT wish come true," the passenger asks.
> "Because I know that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"
>
> The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
> "What the hell was that for," the driver asks.
> "You're in Georgia, Boy," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
> "I'm sorry, Officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."
> The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.
> The trooper THEN walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
> The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacks HIM on the head with the nightstick.
> "What'd you do that for," the passenger asks.
> "Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.
> "Making WHAT wish come true," the passenger asks.
> "Because I know that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"
>
Biker Humor
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Desserts that tell your Personality
If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)! Trust me....this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.
REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning. After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
ALSO, SEND IT TO THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU. DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE YOUR DESSERT CHOICE IN THE SUBJECT BOX BEFORE YOU FORWARD IT.
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.
Okay -
Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you. SCROLL DOWN
1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, fun, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation.. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic , warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselves.
6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING-- vivacious, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life.. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.
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