The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I  cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this  week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber  went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you'  card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later,  a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,  the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm  doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the  shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was  a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his  door.

Then a Member of Congress came in for a  haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again  replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community  service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very  happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to  open up, there were a dozen other Members of  Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Wine Lover

A woman is sitting on the veranda with her husband and she says,

"I love you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."

Reasons to be glad you are getting older:

> ONE*
> Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
> order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
>
> I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
>
> "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
>
> "You don't?" I replied.
>
> "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
>
> "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
>
> "That's right."
>
> So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
> (Unbelievable but sadly true...)
> *
> TWO *
> I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
> Lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
> Of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
> Between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
>
> After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
> "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
>
> Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this
> Is?"
>
> I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."
>
> She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
>
> She had no clue to what had just happened.
>
> *THREE *
> A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
> pulling it out very quickly.
>
> When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
> Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
> ATM 'thingy.'
> ( Keep shuddering!!)
>
> *FOUR *
> I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
> "Do you need some help?" I asked.
>
> She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
> unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
> distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
>
> "Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
>
> "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
> me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, " Why
> don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long
> walk.... "
>
> *FIVE *
> Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
> typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
> What do I do?"
> "Just use paper from the photocopier," the secretary told her.
>
> With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
> on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
>
> (Brunette, by the way!!)
> *
> SIX*
> A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
> her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells
> her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
> The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer...."
>
> Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
>
> Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
>
> Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh . . .it is
> All true.
> *
> Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!*
>
> 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
>
> 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
>
> 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
>
> 4. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
>
> 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
>
> 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
>
> 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
>
> 8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
>
> 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
>
> 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
>
> 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
>
> 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
> room.
>
> 13. You sing along with elevator music.
>
> 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
>
> 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
>
> 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather
> service .
>
> 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
> either.
>
> 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
>
> 19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
>
> 20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.*
>
> *Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
> same night.

Harvard Study

The Harvard School of Medicine has just finished a study on why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed it is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is "Not Now"

Direct Quote from 'Larry, the cable guy'

"Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have
noticed a large number of people  implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't
smart.  I would  like to state for the record that I disagree with that
assessment.  Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a
hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius".

The woman with the glass eye

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..





Wait for it ...  ....





It's coming  .....  ....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said ...  ...:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Redneck Test - How did you do?

 

Scroll down for answer

IRS giving away free pencil sharpeners

The IRS has announced that they will give a free pencil sharpener to all taxpayers who pay their taxes on time this year.   It can be placed on your desk as a constant reminder of the service they provide to you each year.

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010:

*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
  If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

 

    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

    The voice came once more,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
    "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

    The voice replied,


    "No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

Why am I Divorced

    Why I Am now Divorced



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....




On the couch....


Naked.

From the mouth of Babes

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelba...rrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you thinkthe man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room

Fishing with Jack Daniels

I went fishing last summer but after a short time I ran out of plastic worms. Then,
out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
"Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him
right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake
without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a
little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I
released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the
frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with
two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic...

"You're an alcoholic if you saw the ''Bar'' sign first."

   - or, if you're an engineer, what weight the purse would be required to stand up?
 

Priceless

Read the following explanation before looking at the picture! 

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about reading English.

So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard 'Death To Americans' (etc..) slogans printed in  English?  
Answer:

They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.   However, in this case, they were unaware that the 'civilian' insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Navy Chief! Obviously, the results were PRICELESS!

This picture is not doctored.  

 

 

 

 

 

Bus fare to anti-war protest rally - 50 cents

 Paint and canvas protest signs - $32

Asking a retired US Navy Master Chief to translate your 

anti-American slogans - PRICELESs

Why Why Why

WHY?     WHY??      WHY???

 

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'...

but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?  

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing

the clothes you were buried in for eternity?  

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  

What disease did cured ham actually have?  

How is it that we put man on the moon before

we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby'

when babies wake up like every two hours?  

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?  

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings

and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  
They're going to see you naked anyway...  

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?  

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?  

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?  
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?  

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!  

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?  

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?  

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?  

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?  

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?  

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?  

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  
Why, Why, Why  

Why do we press harder on a remote control

when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds'

when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone  believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?  

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,

but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?  

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? 

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use

the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator

with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times

with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something

that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........  
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you.  

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of  boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.


 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
 
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
 
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
 
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will  be afraid to cough.
 
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:  SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE
TO  YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Blondes Explaining Easter

 

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

 

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

 

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

 

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

 

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

 

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

 

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

 

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

 

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

 

St. Peter fainted.

Bake a Cake

    
        A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

        HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
        IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

        HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
         FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
         I DON'T THINK SO.

        FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
         WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT


        TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
        DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

 I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK


I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
 I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS


HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.


HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.


JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM


HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.


HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?


SHE REPLIED,
 HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO!

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

  



************************************

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'






********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

******************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.





********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Married 40 years

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness.
You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.  They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.  If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.  If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.  It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."

And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

Today is a good day to be short

IQ TEst

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
Lion , Chimp , Giraffe , Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . ..
Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.










If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're dense.

Giraffe = you're a complete moron.

Squirrel = you're hopeless.




A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Golf - after retirement

   

        Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf almost every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
         
        One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
         
        His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
         
        "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
         
        "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
         
        So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

        He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
         
        "Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
         
        "Well, where did it go?" asks Arthur.
         
        "I don't remember."

Denny Crane for President

Blind Bunny

> One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over
> a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.
>
>
>
>
> "Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but
> I'm blind and can't see."
>
>
>
>
> "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my
> fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
> coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
>
>
>
>
> "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen
> myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and
> cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
> twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
>
>
>
>
>
> The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of
> animal are you?"
>
>
>
>
>
> The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
> examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what
> kind of an animal am I?"
>
>
>
>
>
> The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're
> slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician."

News Articles to make you laugh

We wonder why our Gov't takes so much money to run.

I wonder if they ever found one?

I did not know these were optional.

You have to be kidding.

What else would you find in a Mausoleum?  Maybe Civil war plane?

I feel safer everyday with these people watching out of us.

Like I said.  Safer everyday.

I thought that this ended at 19?

Just Cruel.



 "Life's tough..... It's even tougher if you're stupid." John Wayne

Why Arabs Throw Rocks

SENIOR CITIZEN story

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Dream Rangers