Jewish Poker Game

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand,  clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.  

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"

They cut the cards.  Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.  The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?  Goldberg declares:  "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Business opportunity

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> Wish I would have thought of this.
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> A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan .
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> He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
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> It's doing well.
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> He says prophets are going through the roof.

British Humor - Politically Incorrect

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning To religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! ------------------------------------------------------- The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. ------------------------------------------------------- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" And other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It Completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. ------------------------------------------------------ Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a Spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber." ------------------------------------------------------- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give Him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop Before you're banned from teaching altogether." ------------------------------------------------------- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." ------------------------------------------------------- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me Because she can't afford batteries!

New Bride

  Please excuse the rough language at the end of the following story. I would have deleted it, but the story just wouldn't be the same...
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> A young couple married and went on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride  called her mother immediately.
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> "Well," said her mother,"how was the honeymoon?"
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> "Oh Mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"...... Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!!  I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!"
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> "Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
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> "Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
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> "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" 
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> Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: save, dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
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> "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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45 years of marriage

After being married for 45 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $400,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and
a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to
me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a
cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch
black and white TV.

Famous Gov't Saying

1.    1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. - John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. - Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley

24. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. – Aesop

Fast Plane

A gentleman was at the Atlanta airport and wanted to purchase a ticket to Dallas,Texas. Now, he did not think about the time zones. He asked the lady when the flight would leave, she said at 12:00 noon Then he asked when the plane landed, she said 12:00 noon. He walked off and went to the bar. About a half an hour later he returned to the ticket counter. He said to the lady attendent, now let get this right. The plane leaves at 12 noon and arrives at 12 noon. She said that was correct and asked him if he wanted a ticket. He said NO, but he did want to see that S.O.B. take off.