Pet Fish

 

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in  West Virginia as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep.  Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let  'em swim 'round for a while.  Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck  said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man.  I'll  show ya!  We do  this all the time!!"

"WE  do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE  it!"

The redneck released the fish into the  lake and stood and waited. 

After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them  back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied  the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the  redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as  smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as  some  government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called:  Smurf Sex .
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:   Kitchen Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time & you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:   Bedroom Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.  

The 4th kind of sex is called:   Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'  

The 5th kind of sex is called:   Religious Sex .
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. ( Very Popular! )  

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex .
* This is when you cannot stand your wife anymore. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called:   Canada Pension Sex .
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

Prayer for Dad

This is just too beautiful not to  share.

"Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Dad's computer.
Amen." 

The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."

If Henny Youngman Were Alive Today

 

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30 am ?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

Man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says how do you know? He says, “The sex is the same but the laundry is piling up!”

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You're pulling my leg.”

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend - yet.

 

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

 

A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.”

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You're obviously not listening.”

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

 

My girlfriend moved out last night. She said the reason she was leaving me was because I was “nothing but a sick pedophile.” I said, “Wow, that's a big word for a 12 year old.”

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.  For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.  However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his bottom while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Mental Age Assessment

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University


Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.


The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is alter cat.
8. This is kakker cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...

Biggest turn on for guys!


Men all over the country are urging their wives
and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure.


The going rate now exceeds $10,000.


Many men feel it is worth it. 

ITALIAN GRANDMA's ADVICE!!!!

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.

Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.

When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

Nonna fainted!!

Italian Nursing Home

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.


After a few weeks in the Italian facility,
they came to visit Grandpa.


"How do you like it here ?" asks the grandson.


"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so
courteous and respectful," says grandpa.


"We're so happy for you. We were worried that
this was the wrong place for you. You know,
since you are a little different from everyone"


"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they
treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big smile.


"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!


There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!


There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth
for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!


and me…


I haven't had sex for 35 years and
they still call me The F-- king Arab. "

Its a Dogs Life

Never say Can't

#1 Country Song