BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct..... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Remember RONALD REAGAN?

> "Socialism only works in two places:
> Heaven where they don't need it
> and hell where they already have it."
> -Ronald Reagan
>
> Here's my strategy on the Cold War:
>
> We win, they lose.'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'The most terrifying words
> In the English language are:
> I'm from the government
> and I'm here to help.'
> -Ronald Reagan
>
> 'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;
> it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'
> -Ronald Reagan
>
> 'Of the four wars in my lifetime,
> none came about because the U.S. was too strong.
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'I have wondered at
> times about what the
> Ten Commandments would
> have looked like if Moses
> had run them through
> the U.S. Congress.
> -Ronald Reagan
>
> 'The taxpayer:
> That's someone who works
> For the federal government
> but doesn't have to take the
> civil service examination.'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'Government is like a baby:
> An alimentary canal with a
> big appetite at one end and
> no sense of responsibility
> at the other'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'The nearest thing to eternal
> life we will ever see on
> this earth is a
> government program.'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.
> I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
> If it moves, tax it.
> If it keeps moving, regulate it.
> And if it stops moving, subsidize it'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed,
> there are many rewards;
> if you disgrace yourself,
> you can always write a book.'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world,
> is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
> - Ronald Reagan
>
> 'If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD,
> then we will be a nation gone under.'
> -Ronald Reagan

What would Obama look like in the movies

God created Virginia

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel,  found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you  been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the  clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked  puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've  put life on it. "I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test  Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God  explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe  will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going  to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there  is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing  to different countries."This one

will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered  in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land  area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia, the most glorious  place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,  forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be

handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to  travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,  carriers of peace, and

producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and  admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would  be balance."

God smiled. "Right next to Virginia is Washington, D.C.  ..... Wait till you see the idiots I put there" .....

LoveMaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
7. Keep your Depends close by.

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Why you should work for the Gov't

The Four Cats 
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant, 
The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee. 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff". 
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff".

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three       cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff".

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff".

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet....... 



Ate the cookies........ 

Drank the milk..... 

Sh*t on the paper....... 




Screwed the other three cats........ 

Claimed he injured his back while doing so. 


Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........ 


Put in for Workers Compensation...................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.







AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS  TO  WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT! 

The Veterinarian One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church  found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!  The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.         "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.   "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."         The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"   The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."  The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"   "He is a veterinarian," she answered.   "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"    The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

Police Stop

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Today's word is.................. Fluctuations

    I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of
this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.  There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars.  It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today
I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."  The Asian
lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Dangers all around us

This just goes to show you we can't possibly live long enough

 

to learn everything there is to know...... I just learned something else.

 

I did not know this . . . . .

 

 

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

 

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

 

 

 

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

 

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

 

 

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

 

Warn all your friends!

FootBall

Drinking and Driving

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in the past.

Well, I for one have done something about it.

The other night I was out for a dinner

and a few drinks - and having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted,

I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,

since I have never driven a bus before.

Why Men Die before Women

Enough Said...................