Julie Andrews Turns 70 , this is brilliant!

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattann bsp;'s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. 
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things'  from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'.   Here are the lyrics she used: 
 

 


(Sing It!)  - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
  
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and  handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
   These are a few of my favourite things. 
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
   These are a few of my favourite things. 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
  When the knees go bad, 
I simply remember my favourite things,
      And then I don't feel so bad. 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
     These are a few of my favourite things... 

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
   When we remember our favourite things. 

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
      When the eyes grow dim,
  Then I remember the great life I've had,
       And then I don't feel so bad. 
 
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who would appreciate it 

 

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in KENTUCKY when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell .
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,  'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ..'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.  YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

 

Pirate

 A  pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in  a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What  do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
  "What  about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

 "Well,"  said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but  I'm fine now."

  The  bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your  hand?"

  The  pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a  sword fight.. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine,  really."

  "What  about that eye patch?"
  "Oh,"  said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I  looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

 "You're  kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird  shit."

 "It  was my first day with the hook."

ERIC FIXED MY COMPUTER

              

                  As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

                  I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

                  Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
                  As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

                  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
                  I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

                  'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
                  Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
                  'No,' I replied.

                  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
                  So I wrote down:

                  ID10T

                  I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

Stiff Walking Man

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student  said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Willie Nelson

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person.  So simple, yet so profound!  Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

 

"I have outlived my pecker."

The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again..  The
man seemed more amused.  When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.  She sat down
under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I
grinned.  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's
Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed
herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the
Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when She
moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber
could have prevented this Accident'.... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Gotta love Southerners!!

A good ole Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it." His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing." His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

The Life Guard

Only in the South my friends...Only in the South .....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from the South. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Southern deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.' 
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. 

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick, starts beating the heck out of the lawyer, and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?' 

God Bless the South ........

11th Commandment

In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger,

a new commandment has been created.
Be sure to write  this one in underneath the other ten:"Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

The Top 40 Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Boy Say:

         
        40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

        39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

        38. Duct tape won't fix that.

        37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

        36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

        35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

        34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

        33. You can't feed that to the dog.

        32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

        31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

        30. Wrestling's fake.

        29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

        28. We're vegetarians.

        27. Do you think my gut is too big?

        26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

        25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

        24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

        23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

        22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

        21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

        20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

        19. Trim the fat off that steak..

        18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

        17. The tires on that truck are too big.

        16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

        15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

        14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

        13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

        12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

        11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

        10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

        9. Checkmate.

        8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

        7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

        6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

        5. I don't have a favorite college team.

        4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

        3. You All.

        2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. And, Number ONE is:

        1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight

Good-bye Grandpa

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.  The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.  He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.  He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.  He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.  Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late.  What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

STAY

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, Gave me a strange look and said,

Why don't you just put it in 'Park' ?"

Sign over the Bar

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $3.00

HAMBURGER:$3.75

CHEESEBURGER:$4.00

CHICKENSANDWICH:$4.25

HAND JOB:$60.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger.

Seal Team 6

This is what the Navy Seal team looked like when they went in to get Bin Laden. A couple of things to notice: 50 caliber sniper on the right.  Knee, knuckle and forearm protection.  Various plastic/wire ties. Absolute identity denial to protect their families. Free choice of footwear. Fourth from the right has three artillery simulators and CS gas grenades on his belly.  He's the 'shock and awe' guy. Group Photo of Seal Team Six…and you can imagine the look on Bin Laden's face when these guys came through the door? Let's be clear on this: OBAMA did NOT kill Bin Laden. An American sailor, who Obama, just a few weeks ago, was debating on whether or not to PAY, did.  In fact, if you remember a little less than two years ago, his administration actually charged and attempted to court-martial 3 Navy Seals from Seal Team Six, when a terrorist suspect they captured, complained they had punched him during the take down and bloodied his nose. His administration further commented how brutal they were. The left were calling them Nazi's and Baby Killers. Now all of a sudden, the very brave men they vilified are now heroes when they make his administration look good in the eyes of the public. Obama just happened to be the one in office when the CIA finally found the b...... And our sailors took him out. Essentially, Obama only gave an answer. Yes or No, to him being taken out. This is NOT an Obama victory, but an AMERICAN victory!! Forward on IF YOU AGREE!!" Ed Schreiber Col. USMC (Ret.) "Semper Fi"  OBAMA’S OWN WORDS TRAP HIM: 2008: "Navy Seal Team 6 is Cheney's private assassination team." 2011: "I put together Seal Team 6 to take out Bin Laden."   2008: "Bin Laden is innocent until proven guilty, and must be captured alive and given a fair trial." 2011: "I authorized Seal Team 6 to kill Bin Laden."   2008: " Guantanamo is entirely unnecessary, and the detainees should not be interrogated." 2011: "Vital intelligence was obtained from Guantanamo detainees that led to our locating Bin Laden."

Why Seniors Broke their Hips

The Channel

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

The Salesman

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door..
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"

 

Looking for Work

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced  that we cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks  he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out  of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking  for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart  from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is  looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing  my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we  grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made  him President of the United States, and now...the whole country is looking for  work

How was I Born?

Daddy, how was I born?  A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you Will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:                                                          Scroll down...You'll love this ....

/

You Have Male! 

Marriage Therapist

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
 Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf.

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of  20/20, did a story on gender roles in  Kabul, Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.  She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.  She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.  Despite the overthrow of  the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.  Walters  approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'   The woman looked Walters  straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’

Phone Call

George Bush, Queen  Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to  hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and  ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells  them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin  asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him  that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,

so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.

When he  is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush

got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

WRONG BITCH

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed
middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by
the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available
was under that dog.. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.."

Little Girl and the Congressman

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk?   Flights go quicker if you strike up
a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.  "How about global warming,
universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said.  "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know
shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

JOE LEGAL vs. JOSE' ILLEGAL

You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "José Illegal".
Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .

Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.


José Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".


Ready? Now pay attention...


Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.


José Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. José Illegal pays no taxes. José Illegal now has $31,200.00.


Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.


José Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. José Illegal still has $31,200.00.


Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.


José Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. José Illegal still has $31,200.00.


Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.


José Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. José Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. José Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.


Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.


José Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.


Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.


José Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.


Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.


José Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.


Joe Legal's and José Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while José Illegal's children get a government-sponsored lunch. José Illegal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.


Joe Legal and José Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and José did not pay.


Do you get it, now?

Picture Says a Thousand Words..We Just Helped a Little

Pictures says a thousand

South Shall Rise Again

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
> "Hello, President Obama, a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
> Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell y'all that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
>
> "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!
> How big is your army?"
>
> "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my
> cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
> Hooters. That makes eight!"
>
> Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
> waiting to move on my command."
>
> "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
> Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still on!
> We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
>
> "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
>
> "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
>
> President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and
> 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half
> million since we last spoke."
>
> "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
>
> Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to
> have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
>
> "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
>
> Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over
> sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many
> prisoners."
>
> SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN