Monday, March 28, 2011
Big people words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride,
and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride,
and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
How To Stop Church Gossip
> Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
> morals, kept
>
> sticking her nose into other people's business.
>
>
> Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but
> feared her
> enough to maintain their silence.
>
> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of
> being an
> alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
> town's only bar one afternoon.
>
>
> She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it
> there
> would know what he was doing!
>
> Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
> walked away.
> He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
>
>
>
> Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
> house
> ... walked home .... and left it there all night.
> (You gotta love Frank!)
> morals, kept
>
> sticking her nose into other people's business.
>
>
> Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but
> feared her
> enough to maintain their silence.
>
> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of
> being an
> alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
> town's only bar one afternoon.
>
>
> She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it
> there
> would know what he was doing!
>
> Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
> walked away.
> He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
>
>
>
> Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
> house
> ... walked home .... and left it there all night.
> (You gotta love Frank!)
>>> Some perspective for you.............RIP Captain Ed Freeman
>>> You're a 19 year old kid.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>You're critically wounded and dying in
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>the jungle somewhere in the Central Highlands of Viet Nam ..
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>It's November 11, 1967.
>>>LZ (landing zone) X-ray.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Your unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense from 100 yards
>>>away, that your CO (commanding officer) has ordered the MedEvac helicopters to
>>>stop coming in.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>You're lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you're
>>>not getting out.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Your family is half way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you'll never
>>>see them again.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Then - over the machine gun noise - you faintly hear that sound of a
>>>helicopter.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>You look up to see a Huey coming in. But.. It doesn't seem real because no
>>>MedEvac markings are on it.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Captain Ed Freeman is coming in for you.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>He's not MedEvac so it's not his job, but he heard the radio call and decided
>>>he's flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Even after the MedEvacs were ordered not to come. He's coming anyway.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 3 of
>>>you at a time on board.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses
>>>and safety.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>And, he kept coming back!! 13 more times!!
>>>Until all the wounded were out. No one knew until the mission was over that
>>>the Captain had been hit 4 times in the legs and left arm.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>He took 29 of you and your buddies out that day. Some would not have made it
>>>without the Captain and his Huey.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Medal of Honor Recipient, Captain Ed Freeman, United States Air Force,
>>>died last Wednesday at the age of 70, in Boise , Idaho
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>May God Bless and Rest His Soul.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>I bet you didn't hear about this hero's passing, but we've sure seen a whole
>>>bunch about Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods and the bickering of congress over
>>>Health Reform.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Medal of Honor Winner Captain Ed Freeman
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Shame on the American media !!!
>>>
>
Saturday, March 19, 2011
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
Of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
Ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
Something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
Made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
But some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
Been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a GolfCourse ?"
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
Of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
Ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
Something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
Made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
But some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
Been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a GolfCourse ?"
The other stall
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" ??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Cell phones, don't you just love them !
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" ??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Cell phones, don't you just love them !
Best Wishes
It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.
Keep in mind this actually happened. This cake is for someone who was moving .
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer:' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'Lemme ax what you want on da cake?'
Customer:'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
STOP LAUGHING!
Keep in mind this actually happened. This cake is for someone who was moving .
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer:' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'Lemme ax what you want on da cake?'
Customer:'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
STOP LAUGHING!
Stress
Levels of stress:
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful,
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful,
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2010!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself!
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,'why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford-Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then finally arrive at Milford-Haven....
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself!
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,'why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford-Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then finally arrive at Milford-Haven....
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
Sex Frogs
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each !
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them
very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She follows the written instructions then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man .. . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME...
I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!'
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each !
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them
very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She follows the written instructions then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man .. . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME...
I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!'
Picture worth a Trillion Dollars
The guy sitting in the row in front of these two....he's on Facebook, and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.
These are the folks that couldn't get the budget out by Oct. 1, and are about to control your health care, cap and trade, and the list goes on and on….
Should we buy them larger screen computers - or - a ticket home, permanently?
This is one of their 3-DAY WORK WEEKS that we all pay for (salary is about $179,000 per year).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)