Lee Trevino - a true story

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a
professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing
his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English ?"

Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do"

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work ?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her".

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

 

Why AARP Sell Insurance

Muslim Quaterback

The coach finally had put-together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. Only thing missing was a good quarterback. He'd scouted all the colleges, and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching Fox News, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15-story window 100-yards away. KAH-BOOM!!! He threw another hand-grenade 75-yards away, right into a chimney !!! KAH-BLOOEY!!! Then he threw another one at a passing car doing 90 mph -- BULLS -EYE! "I've GOT to get this guy!", the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football. And, when the coach

> asks him what he wants, all that the young man wants is to call his mother! "Mom!", he screams into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says, "You are NOT my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the WORLD! I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "NO!! Let me tell you!" his mother sharply retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady said.  “All because you made us move to Oakland.”

Concerned Texan

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

Best McDonald's Commercial

BEST blonde joke so far in 2011.......

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Girl saved from lion

An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in the States when he   
sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. 
  
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to   
pull her inside to devour her - under the eyes of her screaming   
parents. 
  
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with   
a powerful punch. 
  
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,   
and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him   
endlessly. 
  
A reporter had watched the whole event. The reporter says to the   
Israeli:  'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a   
man do in my entire life.' 
  
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind   
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and did what I thought was   
right.' 
  
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a   
journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front   
page!  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation   
do you have?' 
  
The Israeli replies, "I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.' 
  
The journalist leaves. 
  
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his   
actions, and reads, on the front page: 
  
ISRAELI  ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH 
  
And this pretty much sums up the media's approach to Israel !

Two Catholic parrots...

 A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,                      Father,             I have a problem.

                        I have two female parrots,

             But they only know how to say one thing.'

              'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said,'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying
that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.
Shocked,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity...

1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Marijuana.”
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX  OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE  FITTING ROOM IS.

Walk with me by the Water

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

Shit.  I forgot the words....

Advise from Past Presidents

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barack isn't sleeping well the third night, when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" 

Abe replies, "Go see a play."

God explains the time value of money

A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”

God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”

Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” 

And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”

Finally the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”

And God says: “In a minute.”

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

 

How fast can you guess these words

 

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Answers:

 

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM

 

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?Don't worry. You don't have alzheimers.  

You are just a pervert.