An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has the intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98...
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Gee, Officer, I had it on cruise control
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.!!
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.!!
 |
| From Drop Box |
I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan ,
I do not like this 'YES, WE CAN'.
I do not like this spending spree---
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!
Go green - recycle Congress in 2010!
 |
| From Drop Box |
 |
| From Drop Box |
Blonde works for highway department
>> A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with
>> painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about
>> hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really
>> needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2
>> miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and
>> got her started.
>> After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job
>> and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that
>> she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
>> On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor
>> was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did
>> not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required
>> anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day
>> when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
>> On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only
>> completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her
>> what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on
>> your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to
>> complete 1 mile of road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
>> "Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."
>>
>> painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about
>> hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really
>> needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2
>> miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and
>> got her started.
>> After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job
>> and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that
>> she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
>> On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor
>> was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did
>> not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required
>> anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day
>> when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
>> On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only
>> completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her
>> what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on
>> your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to
>> complete 1 mile of road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
>> "Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."
>>
CATHOLIC COFFEE
>>
>> Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
>> The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
>> The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
>>
>> The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
>> The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
>> Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
>> She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "Oh My God!!....."
>> Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
>> The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
>> The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
>>
>> The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
>> The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
>> Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
>> She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "Oh My God!!....."
Building permit
>>>I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.
>>>
>>>It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at
>>>various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside
>>>entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I
>>>was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
>>>
>>>The City Council told me to go to hell.
>>>
>>>So I sent in the application again; but this time I called it a Mosque.
>>>
>>>Work starts on Monday...
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at
>>>various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside
>>>entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I
>>>was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
>>>
>>>The City Council told me to go to hell.
>>>
>>>So I sent in the application again; but this time I called it a Mosque.
>>>
>>>Work starts on Monday...
>>>
>>>
>>>
Potentially and Realistically:
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ";Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University."
The boy then went to his sister and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
"potentially" and "realistically"?
The boy replied, "Yes; "Potentially", you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.
"Realistically", we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University."
The boy then went to his sister and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
"potentially" and "realistically"?
The boy replied, "Yes; "Potentially", you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.
"Realistically", we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)