My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30 am ?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says how do you know? He says, “The sex is the same but the laundry is piling up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You're pulling my leg.”
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend - yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You're obviously not listening.”
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
My girlfriend moved out last night. She said the reason she was leaving me was because I was “nothing but a sick pedophile.” I said, “Wow, that's a big word for a 12 year old.”
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