A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up and, very softly, said "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Early)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
SMART ASS
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only
a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and
ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and
in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two left."
Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and
ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and
in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two left."
Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one plain hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered: the teeth
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered: the teeth
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
This is straight forward country thinking...................................
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 3. You have more wives than teeth.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
> > You may be a Muslim\\
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 3. You have more wives than teeth.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
> > You may be a Muslim
> >
> > 11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
> > You may be a Muslim\\
> The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
>
> Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
>
> One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
>
> 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
>
> When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
>
> 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
>
> The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
>
> A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
>
> But Susie didn't s tir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
>
> 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
>
> And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
>
> The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
>
> Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
>
> The nun fainted.
> Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
>
> One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
>
> 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
>
> When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
>
> 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
>
> The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
>
> A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
>
> But Susie didn't s tir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
>
> 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
>
> And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
>
> The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
>
> Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
>
> The nun fainted.
Who ate the Porridge?
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
>
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
> looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he
> squeaks.
>
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
> into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?'
> he roars.
>
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
> yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
> idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
> everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
> Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
> It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
> who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and
> croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
>
>
> 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
> tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
>
>
> 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
> grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
> only going to say this once....
>
>
>
> 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE
>
>
> FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!!
>
>
> >
>
>
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
> looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he
> squeaks.
>
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
> into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?'
> he roars.
>
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
> yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
> idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
> everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
> Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
> It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
> who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and
> croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
>
>
> 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
> tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
>
>
> 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
> grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
> only going to say this once....
>
>
>
> 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE
>
>
> FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!!
>
>
> >
Military Quote for the Day:
>
> "When I joined the military it was illegal
> to be homosexual,
>
>
> then it became optional.
>
>
> I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> GySgt Harry Berres, USMC
>
> "When I joined the military it was illegal
> to be homosexual,
>
>
> then it became optional.
>
>
> I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> GySgt Harry Berres, USMC
>
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