Amazing Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home;maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Young Republican Pool Party

They know how to have fun!

 

Young Republicans naked pool party.  

If nudity of offends you, beware. 

Jewish Poker Game

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand,  clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.  

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"

They cut the cards.  Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.  The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?  Goldberg declares:  "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Business opportunity

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> Wish I would have thought of this.
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> A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan .
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> He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
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> It's doing well.
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> He says prophets are going through the roof.

British Humor - Politically Incorrect

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning To religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! ------------------------------------------------------- The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. ------------------------------------------------------- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" And other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It Completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. ------------------------------------------------------ Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a Spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber." ------------------------------------------------------- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give Him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop Before you're banned from teaching altogether." ------------------------------------------------------- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." ------------------------------------------------------- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me Because she can't afford batteries!

New Bride

  Please excuse the rough language at the end of the following story. I would have deleted it, but the story just wouldn't be the same...
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> A young couple married and went on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride  called her mother immediately.
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> "Well," said her mother,"how was the honeymoon?"
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> "Oh Mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"...... Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!!  I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!"
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> "Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
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> "Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
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> "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" 
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> Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: save, dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
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> "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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45 years of marriage

After being married for 45 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $400,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and
a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to
me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a
cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch
black and white TV.