Golf Bloppers

Five Horses

This is  mythical and deep.   Truly  beautiful...

A  man asked an American Indian what was his wife's  name.
He  replied, "She called Five  Horses".

The  man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it  mean?"


 The  Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It  mean...

 
 






 NAG,  NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!    

Tim Hawkins- Old Rock Star Songs

Test

This test takes 10 seconds...try it!




ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST(I love this part.. its absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)


HOW MANY ?














WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.








The brain cannot process "OF".


Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!



Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."   (My Favorite)

 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Hi Jack

How to Blow a turkey Call

Real Men Shooting Skeet

Free Health Care

HP Printer supportand the US Army

This soldier in Iraq had an HP printer which quit working. He contacted HP tech support for help to fix it. HP told the soldier that he would have to pay them for the advice.

Watch this 60 second video for his response to them.

I don't know how many folks will end up seeing this ........

but HP Customer Relations probably wish they had helped him out or even sent him a new printer.

 

 

 

 

Christmas Flash Mob

Long good Byes

The Answer

A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local
policeman.  Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his
concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit.  Are you
carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  And, I've got a .22 magnum
derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  That's about
it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"







"Not a damn thing..."

3 Reasons to quit Drinking

God Bless America

This, my friends, is one of the best email messages that I have ever received! (If only our people in DC could understand what we're all about and how much our Country means to us.)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and God Bless America


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Iwa-lSVqA1M&vq=medium

Poodle and the Leopard

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in   Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.  Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'  Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.  'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close!  That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey?  I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!  Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Asking for Directions

Billy Bob and Cletus

> Billy Bob at it again
>
> Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day
> when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob
> doing a slow and sensual striptease  in front of
> an old green John Deere.
>
> Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette,
> and gently slides off first the right strap of his
> overalls, followed by the left.
>
> He then hunches his  shoulders forward and in a
> classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down
> to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
>
> Then, grabbing  both sides of his shirt, he rips it
> apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
> With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
> his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile
> of hay.
>
> Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
> *"What the heck are you doing,  Billy Bob?"
>
>  "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of
> me,"*  says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
>
> *"But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately
> in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist
> suggested I do*
> * 'something sexy to  a tractor'.

Great Christmas Story

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio , forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a Christmas luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio  as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Lets keep up the spirit..............

**********

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I received  at your recent senior citizens Christmas  luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

> The Perfect Husband

>
>
> Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker  function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
> MAN:  "Hello"
> WOMAN:  "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the  club?"
> MAN:  "Yes."
> WOMAN:  "I'm at the shops now and found  this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000.  Is it OK if I buy  it?"
> MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
> WOMAN: "I  also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really  liked."
> MAN:  "How much?"
> WOMAN:  "$90,000."
> MAN: "OK, but  for that price I want it with all the options."
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one  more thing.  I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I  wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."
> MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably  take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really  want."
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"
> MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.  The other men in the  locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
> He turns  and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?
>

You should stop driving when

 A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month.  During the pilot's preflight check, he  discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.  So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.  He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.  Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

 

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."  Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force.  I've been in Thule , Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.  I have but one stripe, it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.  Now, just exactly what form of  punishment did you have in mind?"   

Twas the Month before Christmas

Twas the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

See the PC Police had taken away

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say

December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod

Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down

At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears

You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded

The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,

not Happy Holiday!

*** Please, all Christians join together and

wish everyone you meet

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

> Observations on Growing Older
>
>
> ~Your kids are becoming you... and you don't like them
> ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
>
>
> ~Going out is good.      Coming home is better!
>
>
> ~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
>
>
> ~When you needed the discount you paid full price.
> Now you get discounts on everything ... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
>
>
> ~You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot
> they even knew you!!!
>
>
> ~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose  is now 15 and you have a better chance    of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
>
>
> ~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
>
>
> ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
> but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
>
>
> ~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.   It's called his "pre-sleep".
>
>
> ~Remember when your mother said
> "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
> Now you bring clean underwear in   case you HAVE an accident!
>
>
> ~You used to say,     "I hope my kids GET married ...
> Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
>
>
> ~You miss the days when  everything worked
> with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
>
> 
> ~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
>
> 
> ~You now use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???
>
> 
> ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
>
> 
> ~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
>
> 
> ~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
>
> 
> ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
>
> 
> ~Everybody whispers.
>
> 
> ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....
> 2 of which you will never wear.
>
> 
> ~~~~But old is good in some things:
> old songs           old movies
> And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!
> 
>
> Love you, "OLD FRIEND!"
>
> 
> Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and
> let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!
>
>
>
> 
>

The Bull story

My wife and I went to  the Orange County agricultural show  and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was  the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen  and there was a sign attached that said,


 

' THIS BULL  MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '


My wife playfully  nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He  mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a  week.'


We walked to the second pen  which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS  BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a  healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than  twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot  from him.'


We walked to the third  pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in  capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES  LAST YEAR'

My wife was so  excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and  said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY  learn something from this one.'

I looked  at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it  was with the same cow.'

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS:

I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool...

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.























Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

  You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start. 
  
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. 
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about Mc Donald 's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. 
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! 
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. 
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. 
--David Letterman

 

THE ITALIAN "MAN OF HIS HOUSE" WITH HIS IRISH WIFE

 Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.  

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
 Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'  

His Irish wife Barbara replied, "The freaking funeral director would by my first guess".

Thanksgiving Blessing

May  your stuffing  be tasty   May  your turkey be  plump,   May  your potatoes  and gravy   Have  never a lump.    May  your yams be  delicious   And  your pies take  the prize,   And  may your  Thanksgiving dinner   Stay  off your  thighs!    

Carolina Jokes

Did you hear about the Carolina linebacker who stole a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche. 

Q: How does a Gamecock usually count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, ..... 

Did you hear David Havird went hunting and ran across a
beautiful, naked woman in the woods. He asked "Are y'all game?"
She smiled seductively and nodded yes. So he shot her.

Hear about the Carolina fan who lost $50 on the football game?
He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 

Q: What's the last thing a Carolina stripper takes off?
A: Her bowling shoes. 

Q: What did the Clemson grad say to the Carolina grad?
A: Will the defendant please rise. 

The Carolina football team can do almost everything with the ball except sign it. 

Q: How does a Carolina girl turn on the lights after having sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Choices

John is the kind of guy you love to hate.   He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.  When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!'

'You can't be a positive person all of the time.  How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today.  You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood.'

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it.  I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life.  I choose the positive side of life..

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said.  'Life is all about choices.  When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.  You choose how you react to situations.  You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.  The bottom line:  It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said..  Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business.  We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?'

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied.  'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices:  I could choose to live or....I could choose to die.  I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared?  Did you lose consciousness?'  I asked.

He continued, '...the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine.  But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.  In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'.  I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John.  'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.'  The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.  I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''

Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live..  Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude....I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.'  Matthew 6:34  

Solution to Airport Scanners

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:   All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.   The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.  This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be no racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.........  This is so simple, it's brilliant!!!!  I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.   Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number...

First Christmas Joke

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

I am Rich

O.M.G.,  I'm rich!

 

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries

And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

 

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend Seminar, Ken and his wife Janet listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. For example, men, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?” Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, “It's Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it Dear?” And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.

Is Sex Work

Is Sex Work ?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. 
  A Captain said it was 50-50%.  A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
     
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?  

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." 
    
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?  

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."   
The room fell silent.    

God Bless the enlisted man.

How to serve chicken wings to a man